Adam and Evil
by Fanficaddicttion
Summary: Lois and Peter go out for the night and Stewie is left alone with a babysitter. But when the babysitting night becomes a babysitting nightmare Stewie and the Griffins enter into a week they will never forget.
1. Who are you gonna call?

Adam and Evil

1Adam and Evil

Disclaimer: I do not own family guy. It belongs to Seth MacFarland , Fuzzy Door productions and Fox Studios. Thank you.

Chapter 1: Who are you gonna call?

(Opening credits)

Lois: Peter! Peter! Peter come on, we're gonna be late.

(Peter comes down the stairs)

Peter: Lois, do we really have to go out tonight to such a fancy restaurant you know I don't feel comfortable at those types of places.

Lois: Yes we do Peter, you promised me we would have a romantic evening and we are going to have a romantic evening. And don't embarrass me like you did in the Fanasticks

( On stage)

Peter:(gives nervous look) line?

Lois: (whispers) you don't have a line

Peter: What?

Lois: You're the mute you don't have a line.

Peter: What?!

(Lois comes on stage)

Lois: Peter, You're the mute you don't have a line!

Peter: O sorry, Lois.

(Lois gets embarrassed and stomps off stage)

(Present— the Griffin living room)

Peter: relax, Lois that won't happen.

(Meg comes down the stairs in with her purse)

Meg: Well, see you all later.

Lois: Meg, where are you going?

Meg: work.

Lois: This late at night?

Meg: Well... Mayor West is getting ready for the elections next week and needs my help with getting his campaign papers in order. Sorry, mom.

Lois: Peter, what are we going to do? Meg's working, Chris is over at his friend's house, and Brian is on vacation.

Meg: O don't worry, mom I talked to my friend Denise and she has a cousin Marissa who is looking for part time work at a babysitter. She said she'd be happy to do it.

Lois: No! Not after last time!

Meg: Mom, she's not a drug addict.

Lois: Well... alright.

Meg: Well bye, mom.

Lois: Bye ,sweetheart.

Meg: Bye, dad.

Peter: Bye, Meg

(Exit Meg)

( the doorbell rings and Peter answers it)

Peter:( sees Marissa) you must be looking for Glen Quagmire he's the white house next door.

Marissa: Actually I'm Marissa Theahart. I'm looking for the Griffin residence.

Lois: Hello, I'm Lois Griffin and this is my husband Peter.

Marissa: Nice to meet you both

Lois: It's nice to meet you too

Peter: Yea what she said.

Lois: Peter... please excuse him he's not very good at socializing. Like the time we met the president.

( flashback to meeting with the president)

Mr. Bush: Hello concerned citizen. What's your name?

Peter: You suck Bush

(present— living room)

(Enter Stewie)

Marissa: And you must be Stewie... you are soooo cute! You are like the most adorable thing I've ever seen.

Stewie: Who the devil are you?! And what the duece is going on... (notices Lois's earrings) You're going out aren't you. What the duece! You're leaving me with a babysitter! You'll pay, mother. You will pay!

Marissa: O that's cute.

Lois: Mommy and Daddy will be back late Stewie. Now I want you to listen to Marissa while we're gone. Ok? O and Marissa, the number of the restaurant and the other emergency numbers are on the fridge.

Marissa: Don't worry everything will be fine.

(Exit Lois and Peter)

Stewie: Now listen you...

Marissa: No! You're the one doing the listening young man. You are going to do everything I tell you is that understood?!

Stewie: You obvisiously don't know who you're dealing with...(Takes out laser gun) I have a 5th grade shooting leveling

Marissa: Is that suppose to scare me? (Takes out her bigger laser gun) Well I have an adult shooting level. Now put the gun down before I freeze you in carbonite.

(Stewie puts his gun reluctantly down)

By the way I know exactly who you are. 1 year old genius , no one listens to you, and all you want is world domination and your annoying mother dead. Been there. Done that. I was just like you as a child. So I know everything you could possibly throw at me. Now let's play a game.

Stewie: What did you have in mind?

Marissa: Hide and seek. You hide. I'll seek.

Stewie: Allright I'll play your games for now.

(Marissa covers her eyes and starts counting then she starts searching through the house in places where Stewie would never be able to fit until finally on the floor of his room she finds a folded up piece of paper)

Marissa: Bingo! (Pockets it and as she passes the crib sees Rupert... she stares at the bear for a moment and then takes it down stairs and sits on the couch)

(30 minutes pass and Stewie comes out of hiding)

Stewie: I think you're stupider than my father

Marissa: Where have you been?

Stewie: You don't get the concepts of being a babysitter or hide and seek do you? Well a babysitter is suppose to know where the baby is at all times and in hide and seek you're suppose to find the person hiding!

Marissa: Yea Whatever.

Stewie: Why are you even babysitting? You obviously don't enjoy it.

Marissa: Of course I don't but I need the money.

Stewie: Couldn't you become a hooker or something?

Marissa: I think my parents would notice if I half nakedly came home drunk and high every night.

Stewie: Your father might be proud

Marissa: Maybe... If I had one.

Stewie: You don't have one?

Marissa: I don't wanna talk about it

Stewie: You didn't quite answer my question... why are you babysitting?

Marissa: I told you I need the money. Now let's just try to enjoy our evening... even though we both know what this is.

Stewie: What?

Marissa: They'll explain it.

(Enter Singers)

(Song: Baby sitting it a bum deal)

(exit Marissa)

Stewie: Come back here ,you bitch!

(Enter Marissa)

Marissa: Well I suppose you could be worse.

Stewie: I'm glad you feel that way because I'm hungry and you're the only one here to feed me, sweetheart.

Marissa: In that case... how about I order us some dinner?

Stewie: Ordering dinner? What the devil is this ordering dinner of which you speak?

Marissa: Well I call up a place where other people make food for us and then they bring to the food here.

Stewie: like slaves?

Marissa: We pay them.

Stewie: O.

Marissa: I think I'll get myself some fried calamari and I'll get u stuffed shells.

Stewie: Stuffed shells?

Marissa: Pasta stuffed with cheese. Trust me you'll like it.

Stewie: (nods)

(Marissa orders dinner)

(1 hour later)

(doorbell rings)

Denise: Hi, Marissa. Alright well that would be 9.50

Marissa: thanks ( there is an exchange)

(exit Denise)

(Marissa goes into the kitchen and puts something in Stewie's stuffed shells)

(Enter Stewie)

Stewie: Well?! Where is my supper I'm ravenous over here.

Marissa: It's all ready

(Takes Stewie and puts him in his high chair)

(Marissa feeds Stewie his food until all of it is gone... then she starts on her own)

Stewie: That food was delicious... very nice and ( he falls asleep)

Marissa: Nighty Night, Stewie.

(Marissa takes Stewie and puts him in a bag then runs out of the house holding the bag)

( Enter Quagmire hearing noise outside)

Quagmire: Well look who we have here... what's your name my bouncing bosom goddess?

Marissa: Nona

Quagmire: That's an interesting name is it swedish?

Marissa: No it's a nickname it's short for nonayour business... you dilugial old man.

Quagmire: O come on... I'm not old I've done 5 chicks at the same time in the same bed in a jail cell. I even have my own theme song

theme song guy: Who else but Quagmire

Singers: He's Quagmire... Quagmire... you never really know what he's gonna do next... He's Quagmire... Quagmire

Quagmire: Gigity... Gigidy... Gigidy...Gigidy... let's have sex.

Marissa: My god... that sounds almost as good as my theme song.

Quagmire: You have a theme song... well you are just full of surprises aren't you girl?

Marissa: Well who else but Marissa

Singers: It's Marissa... Theahart

She's an evil genius through and through

She's evil and heartless

So beware or she'll kill you.

Quagmire: That's some song you've got there... I got to go.

(Exit Quagmire)

(Brian pulls up in his car and sees her leaving)

Brian: Excuse me... who are you?!

Marissa: I'm Marissa Theahart I'm babysitting for the Griffins. Unfortunately something came up and I have to go. Stewie is upstair sleeping and his sister just got home from work so I can't stay any longer it was nice meet you um...

Brian: Brian.

Marissa: Nice meeting you, Brian


	2. Snake in waiting

Chapter 2: the snake in waiting

Chapter 2: the snake in waiting

( a few hours later at Marissa's house)

(A little boy with red hair and freckles is standing over Stewie's sleeping body which at the moment is on a couch)

Bertram: (as Stewie wakes up)Well... well... well

(Stewie sits bolt upright and looks around and notices Bertram)

Stewie: You! What are you doing here!

Bertram: I have every right to be here I live here.

Stewie: What the devil is going on! The last thing I remember was eating those... stuffed shells... it was those blasted shells... I knew those stuffed shells would cause problems.

Bertram: Only when they are drugged, big brother. Only when they are drugged. Now why don't I devulge my sister's scheme for you.

Stewie: Your sister?

Bertram: Well... our sister. Anyway... she stole your world domination plans which FYI are the most pathetic and mundane plans I have ever seen in my life. I mean if I alone could beat you in a hostile takeover than surely the government can stop you with merely a push of a button.

Stewie: My plans clearly state that I would create the biggest army the world has ever seen after obtaining all the money I needed to do so. And obvisiously we have forgotten who won in the playground war...

Bertram: Well you took me on by surprise... I wasn't ready.

Stewie: You need to wait a little longer before starting another war... or battle for that matter

Bertram: Well we'll see about that! ( takes a biological gernade and throws it at Stewie once the smoke clears we notice that Stewie has the chicken pox)

(Enter Marissa)

Marissa: Hey! I told you to leave him alone! You stupid evil genius... why don't you listen, Bertram.

Bertram: If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have known where to find him. Although I must admit I was impressed with how you manipulated that idiotic girl into telling her friend you were her cousin.

Marissa: It's a gift really... now leave Stewie alone... I need him alive and healthy... and unfrozen thank you... once I get the money you can do whatever you want with him. But until then... hands off... now go take a nap or something.

Bertram: Go to hell!

Marissa: After you, little brother, after you.

(Bertram exits)

Stewie: So you're my half sister why the deuce didn't you tell me?!

Marissa: Would you have come willingly if I did.

Stewie: No but I'd have been more corporative!

Marissa: I doubt that. Now I have to figure out how much you're worth.

(Starts typing on calculator)

Stewie: I'd say about 50,000

Marissa: Let's see if your parents feel the same way about that?

Stewie: That blasted woman and the fat man better think that or I'm screwed

Marissa: Yea like the drunk girl at a party... the one most people ignore expect the perverts... talking about ignoring

( takes out a scrub brush) here...

Stewie: What the devil do u want me to do with this?

Marissa: make a friend out of it.

Stewie: Who do you think I am... Alicia Starr?

Director: Cut!

( everything freezes)

(Liz comes out)

Liz: What's the problem?

Director: We can't do that scene... no one knows who Alicia is.

Liz: But where is the scene gonna go then?

Director: We'll just skip to the next chapter.

Liz: Death is a bitchy messenger? Are you sure we want that one now?

Director: Just let me handle this... no Alicia

(Director walks away and Liz goes over to the camera guy, Alicia, and Billy)

Liz: Ok well the director doesn't want us to do this scene but we're gonna do it anyway. We just need a ploy to get into it... I've got it... (whispers to them)... ok.

Director: Ok let's start again.

( everyone gets back on stage)

Alright... Action

(Liz comes on)

Liz: Hello, I'm Liz Carmine and the scenario you were going to see has been cut. It was about a vampire who had a scrub brush as a bestfriend but if we were going to show the scenario it would look something like this... roll it, bob!

(Alicia comes on with her scrub brush)

Alicia: O what am I gonna do? No one likes me I have no friends ( creates a person on billy) I think I'll call you billy. ( changes him into a real person) Hi, Billy.

Billy: Hi, Alicia... ( they hug and Alicia gets splinters all over her body)

Alicia: Oww... being friends with you hurts... but I love you.

( the scene ends)

Marissa: Bertram !

Bertram: What?

Marissa: Come on... we're going to the news station.

Bertram: Alright just let me get my binky.

( gets binky)

Stewie: ( takes out his palm pilot without anyone noticing and types a message to death)

(Enter Debra and Ann)

Ann: I'm telling you everything is fine.

Debra: There was no answer everytime I called what do you think that means?

Marissa: O, Hi... Mom and Mom. I didn't expect you back so soon.

Debra: We came home early. How come you never answered the phone.

Marissa: The phone rang... I never heard... Bertram, did you disconnect the phone again?

Ann: Now don't blame the baby the phone was not disconnected.

Marissa: Can I explian this later... I've gotta go.

Stewie: Well isn't this interesting your mothers appear to be fathers.

Bertram: So what my mothers are twice the woman your mother is.

Stewie: I doubt that... your mothers might be half the man Peter is... but twice the woman as Lois? If you think that you need to meet Lois.

Bertram: Go to hell!

Stewie: You first, little brother.

Marissa: Listen, you little bastard I've had about enough of your attitude... I mean my god... you're like having another one of him (points to B)

Ann: Who's this little guy?

Marissa: O mom... this is Stewie Griffin I'm babysitting him for the weekend. I'm sorry it was something that came up last minute and I promised Denise I would.

Ann: Who's Denise?

Marissa: O just friend of mine.

(B and S laugh)

Bertram: Ha! You hardly know the girl.

Marissa:(whispers) Shut the hell up or when you wake up tomorrow morning you'll be frozen in carbonite.

Bertram: Fine. I don't want you to waste any of the carbonite anyway.

Debra: Marissa... did you threaten to freeze your brother?

Marissa: Please it's not like he couldn't do it to me.

Ann: What are you talking about? Bertram is a very good boy. He's never done anything wrong. You used to be just as good until a year ago.

Marissa: I'm not going to take this... Stewie, Bertram, and I have things to do.

(Exit Marissa, Bertram, and Stewie)

( 20 minutes ago at the Griffin house)

Brian: Meg... Stewie... Meg... Stewie? Where is everybody?

( goes into Stewie's room)

Hey, Stewie, I'm back and thanks for letting me borrow your... O

( calls Meg)

(At a motel)

West: I love Mighty mouse... he's the mightiest of all mice.

Meg: (picks up phone) Adam, could you turn that down, please.

(Mayor West turns the TV down)

Hello?

Brian: Meg, it's Brian... I just got home and I was wondering is Stewie with you?

Meg: No... I'm on a date with Adam... Stewie is suppose to be there with my friend's cousin Marissa.

Brian: Marissa left and said that you had come home and you were with Stewie.

Meg: I haven't left since I got here. Wait... you're telling me that Stewie is missing?!

Brian: He isn't here Meg... where is he?

Meg: I don't know but I'll be right there

( hangs up the phone)

I'm sorry Adam I gotta go... family emergency.

West: I understand, Meg.

( she exits)

(Meanwhile at the fancy restaurant)

Lois: Peter, maybe we should go home.

Peter: Why would you want to do that? We finally have a night to ourselves, Lois.

Lois: I just can't enjoy myself tonight. I keep thinking of Stewie staying with Marissa... we hardly know her... she could be just as bad as Ladon

Peter: Don't worry Lois I know something that will take your mind off things in no time.

Lois: Peter, the last time you said that we got arrested and spent the night in jail for a DUI charge while being completely naked and running over an old woman trying to cross the street.

Peter: We won't end up in a situation like that again... unless you want us to.

Lois: I don't.

Peter: ( takes out a box) this is for you, Lois.

Lois: (opens the box and looks a peter) O Peter ( cries with joy) The ring is beautiful... you are the most wonderful man in the whole world.

( Peter and Lois Sing (Song: But I'm Yours))

( they kiss)

(Brian calls the restaurant that Lois and Peter are at)

Brian: Hello? Is Lois Griffin there?

Waiter: One moment please...

( the waiter goes to the table)

Mrs. Griffin... O I'm sorry... but the telephone is for you.

(Stops kissing Peter)

Lois: Thank you (picks up phone) Hello?

Brian: Lois... it's Brian... I just got back

Lois: O Brian, how was your trip?

Brian: Fine Lois, but we have a problem... it's Stewie...

Lois: Stewie?! O my god what's the matter with Stewie is he sick... I knew getting a baby sitter was a bad idea!

Brian: No he's not sick... he's missing

Lois: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S MISSING! IS the babysitter there?

Brian: No she left

Lois: We'll be right there! ( hangs up phone) Peter get the check we've gotta go

( 3 hours later at the news station)

(Marissa runs into the news station)

Marissa: Tom Tucker, I need you to read this over the air!

Tom: I'm afriad I can't do that we have a lot of news to report today

Marissa: That wasn't a request it was a order now do it!

Tom: Why should I do that?

(Marissa takes out her laser gunand points it at Tom)

O ok... if you put that way.

( the news starts)

Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Tucker

Diane: And I'm Diane Simmons

Tom: This just in... Mr. And Mrs. Griffin

if you ever want to see your son again you should bring a suitcase of 50, 000 to Mayor West's office by

12pm Saturday or I'll drown your son in the ocean

Sincerely,

Marissa Theahart


	3. Death is a bitchy messenger

Chapter 3: Death is a bitchy messenger

Chapter 3: Death is a bitchy messenger

( At the Griffins... they are sitting in front of the TV)

Lois: 50,000 ?! Where are we suppose to get that kind of money?!

Meg: Maybe we could have a garage sale

Chris: I could sell the monkey that lives in my closet... I want to be as far away from him as possible.

(Everyone laughs)

Brian: I'll sell my italian dog collar

Lois: The one I got you for the dog show? No... Brian you can't do that

Brian: I'm sorry Lois I did appreciate the collar but Stewie is more important than that.

Lois: That is sweet of you but it still doesn't get us enough.

Meg: Don't worry, mom we'll get the money somehow.

Peter: Yea Lois everything will be fine. I just hope the little guy is ok.

(The doorbell rings)

(Peter answers it)

Peter: Death? What are you doing here?

Lois: O my god... my baby's dead!

Death: Relax Lois, he's fine. I'm just here to delivery you a message he e-mailed me. (Reads)

Mom... dad... I just wanted you to know that I was alright... my so called babysitter has decided to hold me for ransom and for some reason keeps going on about Brian... I think she wants world domination more than I do. Atleast that's what Bertram has been implying. When you come to Mayor West's office with the money please be careful. I... I... I love you both.

Sincerely,

Stewie

P.S. In case I die before you get to me... burn in hell, mother.

Lois: O thank god he's alright. Thank you, death.

Death: Not a problem just don't expect this too often I made a special expection in your son's case. That Marissa sounds like a bitch though.

Peter: My only question is who's Bertram? What a stupid name from a kid... Bertram... (laughs)

Death: His brother.

Lois: No his only brother is Chris.

Peter: He doesn't have a younger... O my god!

Lois: Peter... what?!

Peter: Lois, remember that day I went to have a vascotomy?

Lois: Yes?

Peter: Well I wanted to save some of my sperm but I accidently knocked over a shelf that was going to be used for artifical insemination and I think some of my sperm accidently landed in another woman. He he he...

Lois: Peter, are you telling me that somewhere you have another son... named Bertram?!

Peter: ha ha his name is Bertram... I mean...Yes.

Lois: That's just great my son been kidnapped by your son.

Peter: O so he's my son just because he kidnapped Stewie

Lois: No he's your son because you had him with another woman. And why did you ask about Bertram anyway we need to be thinking about Stewie.

Peter: So... what's the plan?

Lois: I guess we have no other choice we have to find every way possible to get the money. Meg, send out fliers about Stewie. Chris go door to door and see if our neighbors will help. Brian get your dog collar out of the box. Peter you and I will see if we can get a second mortgage on the house.

Peter: I wish I could get all the money back that I paid for Quagmire's grave.

Lois: But his wife is in the grave

Peter: Maybe I could get the deposit back on the dinosaur, the ninja outfit, and the Nazi uniform.

Lois: A dinosaur, a ninja outfit, and a Nazi uniform?

Peter: We were trying to convince Joan that Quagmire was dead. So he could get out of thier marriage.

Lois: Well the ninja outfit and the dinosaur were sold to charity and the Nazi outfit was burned.

Peter: You burned the uniform.

Lois: We're Americans Peter we don't need a Nazi uniform around.

Peter: What about the next time Quagmire needs to get out of a marriage?

Lois: We'll have a better chance of Brian knowing Marissa Theahart and not telling us about it.

Peter: Ok how about we let the kids and Brian handle this and you go eat nothing but bon bons for the next 24 hours and then you and I can rekindle those nights of fat sex

Lois: Peter... that sounds so dirt... no! Peter concentrate... Stewie is more important than us fooling around.

Peter: Fine we'll save the fun for when we get Stewie back... and blah... blah... blah

(Upstairs in Peter and Lois's room)

Brian: (looking for the box) Damn, that collar has to be here somewhere. ( finds an old photo album) I haven't seen this thing in years. ( starts looking through it and suddenly finds a picture of Marissa and Brian sitting together and kissing in the park) O my god! Marissa Theahart is Marissa Coleman? I can't tell Lois and Peter about this. I need to find a way to raise the money myself


	4. The Old SwitchaStew

Chapter 4: The old switchastew

Chapter 4: The old switchastew

( after days of hard work Brian finally gets enough to pay for Stewie)

(He calls up Marissa Theahart)

Marissa: Hello?

Brian: Hello, is this Marissa Coleman?

Marissa: Coleman? No one has called me that in years... who is this?

Brian: This is Brian Griffin

Bertram: Well... who is it?

Marissa:(to Bertram) it's the dog.

Stewie: Brian... O thank god... please tell me he has the money

Bertram: Shut up, Stewie!

Stewie: You have no right to tell me what to do even if you are just being manipulated by your overbearing domestic overseer

Bertram: She does not act like my mothers... take that back!

Marissa: Will you two shut up... I'm on the phone. (To Brian) So what do you want?

Brian: I have your money and I'm ready to make the exchange tonight.

Marissa: But you still have four days.

Brian: I know but I think it should happen tonight.

Marissa: Well alright where do you want to meet.

Brian: How about outside the drunken clam?

Marissa: Alright we'll see you there. Just make sure you have the money.

Brian: And make sure you have Stewie.

Marissa: Don't worry there will be a baby there. Or my name isn't Marissa Jane Coleman Theahart.

(Brian and Marissa hang up)

Bertram: You're really giving up this soon? That's pathetic

Marissa: Who said anything about giving up.

Bertram: But you told the dog that you would give up Stewart it sounds like giving up to me.

Stewie: It sounds like giving up to me as well.

Marissa: Stewie stay out of this or your teddy bear will only have one eye.

Stewie: Rupert!? You have Rupert. I thought he was safe at home... where is he! Where is he! What have you done to my Rupert!

Marissa: Shut the hell up! You'll get the bear back later!

Bertram: You need to learn not to give in so easily.

Marissa: Bertram, I am not giving in to anything.

Bertram: But you told the dog that you'd give him Stewart tonight.

Marissa: Actually I said I'd bring a baby. I never said I'd bring the baby.

Bertram: But if you don't bring Stewart than who are you... No! Absolutely not, woman! You can't expect me to do that... I refuse to participate in your little charade, Marissa. I might have sung "Lift us up where we belong" with him but I refuse to impersonate him

Marissa: Wow... I just learned how to spell gay... B-E-R--T-R-A-M..

Bertram: You don't spell it that... You bitch! Now I really won't help you.

Marissa:( takes out a mind control gun and shoots it at Bertram)

Bertram: I mean I'm sorry of course I'll help you.

Marissa: Great!

(That night outside the Drunken Clam)

(Enter Marissa carrying Bertram all bundled up)

Bertram: I hate you. I'll never forgive you for this

(Enter Brian)

Marissa: Shut up... he's coming.

Brian: Hello, Marissa.

Marissa: Hello, Brian... it's nice to see you again. Do you have the money?

Brian: Right here. ( opens the suitcase and then closes it and hands it to her) You have Stewie?

Marissa: Right here. But he's sleeping so you have to ask him how he's doing later. (Hands over Bertram) Good bye... it was pleasure doing business with you. I'll make sure you don't suffer too much when I take over the world.

Brian: Thanks... I think.

(Exit Brian and Marissa)

(Back at the Griffin home)

( they are holding a garage sale)

(Enter Brian)

Lois: O Brian, you're just in time you can help us sell some of this junk.

Brian: O don't worry Lois I got Stewie back .

( takes Bertram from Brian)

Lois:O Stewie... my baby. You don't know how much I...

(Unwraps Bertram)

Brian... this isn't Stewie...

(Bertram opens his eyes)

Bertram: You must be Lois.

Lois: Brian, where's Stewie.

Brian: That was suppose to be Stewie... God damn it... that bitch hoodwinked me!

Bertram: So I'll take it you're the stupid one in this family... aside from the fat one.

Brian: Who are you anyway?

Bertram: The name is Bertram... Bertram Griffin and I'm the new baby around here.

Lois: O my god... Peter... Peter... can you come out here for a minute

(Enter Peter)

Peter: Lois, I was cleaning out the closet like you wanted me to.

Lois: You've been doing that for the past 5 hours?

Peter: I took a break to watch the Twilight Zone marathon.

Lois: That's been on all day.

Peter: It was a good episode.

Lois: Peter, um ( hands over Bertram)

Peter: Lois, I know you miss Stewie but you didn't need to adopt another baby.

Lois: Peter, I didn't adopt him. This is your son... Bertram.

Peter: Bertram? O my freakin' god... this is Bertram!

Bertram: I didn't think it was possible but you are actually dumber in person. I don't understand how Stewie could possibly put up with this. O I'm sorry where are my manners it is a pleasure to meet you Peter. I'm Bertram your son.

Peter: Why did you decide to see me now after all these years.

Bertram: First off I'm only 6 months old so it hasn't been years it's been months. And second fatty I would have been happy to never lay eyes on you as long as I lived but my sister Marissa had to arrange a rondevouz with your dog and I got dragged in the middle of it.

Peter: Wow I didn't understand half of what you just said

Meg: Dad, Marissa forced him to pretend to be Stewie in order to fool Brian

Peter: Well why didn't you just say so?

Bertram: I did

Peter: In words I could understand.

Bertram: (shakes his head) I think I've gone to hell.

( people start showing up to the garage sale... someone even comes over with a huge wooden crate)

Person: Hi... Could I contribute something to your garage sale?

Chris: What is it?

Person: I don't know. My cousin found it in his warehouse.

( exit person)

(Chris opens the box)

Chris: Dad... hey, dad.

Peter : Chris, what is it? Is something wrong?

Chris: Some guy gave us this person in a crate

Peter: Let me see that... It looks like James Woods... Uh... uh oh. Brian! Brian!

(Enter Brian)

Brian: What is it?

Peter: Remember when I told you that James Woods was being looked after by top men?

Brian: Don't tell me he was put in a box in a warehouse like the coventant was at the end of raiders of the lost ark.

Peter: Fine I won't.

Brian: Peter, you know that doesn't work. (Looks in the box then takes a stick and pokes James Woods) No actually I think we're ok... he's dead.

Peter: Well good thing I didn't put any airholes in the box.

Brian: Yea for once your idiocy helped instead of hindered and James Woods can burn with Hades.

Lois:(sings) Someone one not to care for.

Peter:To not be there for. We don't have James Woods.

Brian: Someone not to do for. Not to muddle through for we don't have James Woods

someone to share joy or despair with whatever betides you

life becomes a chore if you are living for.

Brian: Someone not to die for

Peter: Or to cry for

All: We don't have James Woods

Peter and Brian: It's true we two see eachother's point of view

Peter: Because James Woods hated you

All: And we hate James Woods too

Peter: Stewie would have liked that number

Brian: I know he loved destruction and anything about hate.

Peter: That does it we've gotta get that baby back if it's the last thing we do.


	5. And then the sun will rise

Chapter 5: And then the sun will rise

Chapter 5: And then the sun will rise

(Saturday morning at Marissa's)

(Marissa is polishing her laser gun)

Stewie: You missed a spot next to the trigger

Marissa: Thanks (polishes the spot)

Stewie: You know if you weren't using me to get money so you can take over the world I think we could have had something going.

Marissa: Yea maybe if you were 12 years older and 5 feet taller

Stewie: I think you're lonely... are you... are you feeling kinda down... do you want a hug?

Marissa: I don't need a hug from you. And by the way what makes you think this is about money. Brian already gave me my money.

Stewie: If you have your freakin' money... then what the hell do you want?!

Marissa:Well...

Stewie: O I get it... you're one of those. Why didn't you say anything?

Marissa: Please... you wouldn't have helped me get Brian to leave the Griffins and become my dog.

Stewie: Of course I... WHAT! You're after Brian? What about the money?

Marissa: O I still want world domination but I need someone to share it with.

Stewie: What about Bertram?

Marissa: Share money with someone who wants world domination as much as I do? Who do you think I am Britney Speares?

Stewie: Atleast Britney knows what she wants. You seem to be very confused. Almost as confused as Peter the time we went to Saturday night disco bowling fever at the Quahog bowling alley.

( At the bowling alley)

Peter: ( dressed up as john travolta from grease) Isn't this suppose to be Grease night?

John Travolta: No that's on Tuesday.

Peter: What's today?

John: Saturday... Saturday night fever night.

Peter: O Damn! My watch stopped. Could you still sing Grease Lightening

John: No.

(End sequence)

(Later at Mayor West's office)

(Mayor West is sitting in his office wearing a wizard hat and playing with his Harry Potter action figures)

West:(as Voldemort) You will bow before me.

(As Harry) Never... never! I will kill you first.

(As Voldemort) We'll just see about that... Avada

(As Harry) Levicorpus! Take that evil lord voldemort... that's right you'll never hurt anyone again.

(Marissa slams the door open with Stewie in her arms and enters the office)

Marissa: I'm sorry to disturb you while you... are you playing with Harry Potter action figures?

at are you doing in my office? ( picks up a wand) Stay away from me

(Marissa points a gun at Mayor West)

West:(pointing wand at Marissa) Levicorpus (nothing happens) Levicorpus (again nothing happens) Levicorpus! (Again nothing) What is wrong with this blasted thing?!

Marissa:( laughs) How did you become mayor?

West: People like me.

Marissa: So everyone in this town is just stupid. That's it when I take over the world this town will be the first to go.

Stewie: I'd like to see that.

Marissa: Bertram would have frozen you by then.

Marissa:(to Mayor West) Ok... now either you cooperate or I'm going to kill you.

West: Very well. (Touches a button under his desk)

Marissa: What was that?

West: Nothing, fellow Quahog.

Marissa: Damn you, you bastard.

(12pm outside Mayor West's office)

Brian: Ok... give me the baby. I'm going in.

Lois: Brian, Be careful and thank you.

(Brian goes inside)

(Inside)

(Enter Brian)

Brian: Hello, Marissa.

Marissa: Brian, it's great to see you. I see you have Bertram with you... you ok Bertram?

Bertram: Just peachie.

Marissa: I'll make it up to you I promise.

Brian: I'm sorry to interrupt this but I'd like to have Stewie back please.

Marissa: Not so fast... where's my money?

Brian: What are you talking about I already gave you your money and you hoodwinked me, you bitch!

Marissa: Ok here's the deal. You take Stewie... bring him back to his parents and then come back up here.

Brian: Why would I ever do that?

Marissa: My god... everyone in this town really is stupid. You don't get it do you? I want you as my dog you idiot!

Brian: What? No way... besides I'm part of the Griffin family.

Marissa: I know why else would I have to kidnap Stewie and hold him ransom. I want world domination but I also want someone to share it with.

Bertram: Hello... what am I?

Marissa: You are an annoying gnat. If you want domination get it yourself!

Bertram: Screw you, Bitch! Screw you!

( Bertram exits)

( Marissa goes behind Mayor West and holds a gun to his face)

Marissa: Listen, Brian I'm running the shots here... either you do what I say or Mayor West gets it. By the way I was serious when I said I'd drown Stewie in the river... now go.

Brian: Marissa, you don't want to do this. We can get you some therapy... I know a great therapist who helps me with my problems. Dr. Kaplan he works wonders... come on... you don't want to do this.

Marissa: How do you know what I want. You don't know me.

Brian: Please... Marissa

(steps closer to her as she steps back)

Marissa...

(she steps closer and she steps back)

Marissa come away from the window

( he steps again and she steps trips and falls out the window)

(Mayor West gets caught on a flag pole but Marissa falls and hits the ground dead)

(Stewie and Brian look out the window as a helicopter takes Mayor West away)

Brian: Well there goes your competition

Stewie: Not much competition she was too sloppy.

Brian: Come on... Lois is worried sick about you.

( Brian exits)

(Stewie turns to go when he sees something out of the corner of his eye and pulls back a curtain)

Stewie: I knew I smelled a rat.

Bertram: I suppose you're going to dispose of me as well?

Stewie: Maybe... then again maybe not.

Bertram: I can't comprehend this. I'm ready to waste you. You're letting me go?

Stewie: Don't expect it too often. (Yawns) but I'm overdue for my nap and don't have time today.

Bertram: well you know...

Stewie: and you know too.

(Enter Brian)

Brian: You coming?

Stewie: Yea.

(As the exit)

Brian: I'm surprised you didn't waste that kid

Stewie: I should have.

Brian: Why didn't you?

Stewie: If I killed Bertram who would I have as a mortal enemy?

Brian: There is always me and Lois.

Stewie: Lois is my eternal mortal enemy. And you're my best friend I couldn't waste you.

Brian: That's very sweet.

Stewie: If you ever tell anyone I said that I will kill you.

Brian: I missed you too, kid.

( exit Stewie and Brian)

THE END


End file.
